Please & Thank You Monthly Update: March 2025

Please & Thank You Monthly Update: March 2025

Happy Birthday, Jeff Foxworthy

I wish it was Jeff Foxworthy's birthday today. I would love to wish him a happy birthday in this email, but alas, he was not born on this day or even in this month. That's the trouble with months. Sometimes you want the funniest comedian who ever lived to be born in a specific month and they just aren't. 

It would be so nice if you could legally change your birthday the same way that you can change your name. Then I could petition Jeff to change his birthday to be in March so that I could wish him a happy birthday today. I think it would work. He seems like a nice enough guy to do it. He seems like he would be willing to go through a little trouble to make a fan's dream come true. 

If it were up to me, changing your birthday would be as easy as going to the post office and filling out a form and having your picture taken. I had to go to the post office recently to have my picture taken for a different reason. I had received a postal summons in my mailbox and it demanded that I report to my local substation at 6:00 AM the following Tuesday to be fingerprinted and photographed. There weren't many other details, but the language was harsh and threatening and I didn't dare disobey this USPS subpoena. 

I arrived at the designated location at the designated time wearing my finest silks. I had shaved my head and face (including my eyebrows and eyelashes) for the occasion and I thought I looked quite handsome and sleek. I felt very aerodynamic as I ran toward my destination that morning. Removing such a great number of hairs really did cut down on my wind resistance. 

Anyway, once I arrived, I was ushered into a small backroom where I was interrogated for a number of hours about a string of mailbox vandalisms that had happened near the place where I live. I was honest with them. I told them that I suffer from severe somnambulism and that I have a doctor's note that states that I cannot be held liable for any action or inaction I take while asleep. The armed postal officials didn't believe me at first, but I eventually convinced them to let me go home and get the doctor's note which I keep framed above my fireplace as I don't own a television set and I like to look at it most evenings. 

Of course one of the burly men chaperoned me on the journey to my home. He was silent most of the way there, but he loosened up once we arrived and I started showing him all of the cool trinkets and toys and collectibles I own. He was particularly impressed with my wide selection of mint condition Earthworm Jim action figures.

I explained to him that this was how I invested. Rather than putting my savings into unpredictable stocks and bonds, I instead hoarded vast quantities of Earthworm Jim memorabilia. I told him that what I had in my home was only a tiny fraction of my collection. He asked me where I kept the rest of my bounty and I could see in his eyes that he had nefarious intentions, so I did what I always do when people ask me where my treasure is buried and I gave him the address of a vacant lot which I own. I think it goes without saying that the lot is severely booby trapped and monitored with state-of-the-art cameras. I won't go into all of the details, but I will say that I now have a delightful video of him being tickled into utter unconsciousness by a feather-based mechanism of my own design. 

After I showed him around my place for a little while, I made us each a large, delicious sandwich and then carefully and lovingly removed my framed doctor's note from above the fireplace. We enjoyed a leisurely walk back to the postal substation, hand in hand. We talked of this and that and I felt quite sad knowing that he would soon try to betray my friendship and steal my many, many Earthworm Jims. 

When we arrived, I proffered my notarized doctor's note to the sweating man who had been interrogating me all morning. He took the note and left the room and came back a few minutes later looking very angry indeed. He shoved the framed note into my hands and told me to get out, but before I did, I had to be photographed and fingerprinted.

I asked the woman who photographed me if I looked handsome with my hairless head and silken garb, but she shook her head and told me that I did not. That made me sad, but you know what doesn't make me sad? Going to an incredible concert and seeing my favorite band and/or artist perform several of their most popular songs for myself and a large group of like-minded music aficionados. That makes me happy.

If you or somebody you love is feeling sad because a woman at the post office said that you or somebody you love looks weird, I highly recommend going to a concert and maybe even getting a VIP package. You'll have a nice time and you'll be able to forget about how long it's going to take for your eyebrows to grow back. 

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